yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He better not be in your backpack
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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