if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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