How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
