i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
