Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
