I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
