she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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