did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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