you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize