Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Randomize
