At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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