How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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