he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
