My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
