I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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