Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
