Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
