I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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