im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
