Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
