I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He shit in the fireplace
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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