You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
