i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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