The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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