last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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