you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
