Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
