I wanna bring you to show and tell
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
