so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
