i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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