I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Even my vagina gasped.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
