I'm lost and stupid without you.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
