I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
