break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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