office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
