i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
