Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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