he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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