I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
