Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
