no, he came in my armpit
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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