You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
