im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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