omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
