Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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