What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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