First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
