dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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