he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
