I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
