Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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