I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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