Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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