apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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