There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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