the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
