I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
