There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
