I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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