God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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