I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
