Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I will die if light touches me.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize