I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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