these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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